Story - This Is Me Surviving (Complete) (2024)

Chapter 83B

We walked back to the meet and over to the Shack trailer. Rand said for all to hear, “Stay here and don’t leave. I’ll come pick you up when I’m ready to go.”

Missy sighed and said, “There goes my cousin, Idiot Extraordinaire. Bill go say something to him.”

“No. Leave it alone Missy,” I told her. “It isn’t anything.”

“You sure? Because your face and what is coming out of your mouth aren’t in sync.”

I put on my best waitress face and said, “Everything’s just fine. What do you need me to help with?”

I wound up folding incoming items and bagging outgoing items, pretty mindless stuff which was fine by me. I finally registered that Missy kept bringing me stuff instead of me coming to get it from her and really looked up for the first time. I wish I hadn’t. Rand was standing around with what were obviously friends from his past, laughing and carrying on … and SueLinda was there too, all but hanging on him. I just went back to what I was doing.

Missy said, “Kiri … I …”

“Forget it Missy. It is his choice and he’s made it abundantly clear. Is that next pile of stuff ready?”

“You’re just going to let this go?”

“Rand doesn’t trust me not to make a scene. He’s trying to push me into making one so he can prove his point that I’m not capable of controlling myself. I’m not going to give him a scene.”

“That’s my girl. Prove you’re right,” Missy said relieved.

“It doesn’t have anything to do with me being right. In the past I cared enough to make a scene when forced into the situation. I refuse to care about it anymore. I refuse to be forced one way or the other.”

“Kiri! Don’t say that,” Missy begged.

“Missy, Rand cares more about being right than he cares about trusting me. He cares so much more that he is willing to risk everything by taking up with that SueLinda woman just to try and get me to have a snit out here in public after he warned me away from her just this morning. Fine. That’s his choice. And this is mine.”

I kept working until Rand came over and just stood there. SueLinda came over with him and looked at me with a grin, “Oh Kiri, I didn’t see you standing there. You missed some fun.”

“I saw. I had work to do,” I answered her calmly and politely.

“You saw? Really? Oh dear. Rand maybe we shouldn’t have …”

Rand started looking uncomfortable. “Knock it off SueLinda.”

“But Rand, I wouldn’t want anyone to get the wrong idea,” she laughed.

I looked at her and said, “No one got the wrong idea SueLinda. They know Rand and by now they know you. There will be a few to think the worst but there always are. Either way, Rand can do what he wants. I’m not his boss.”

“That’s right … you’re just his what? Oh yeah, just his wife.”

“SueLinda that … is … enough.” Rand snapped.

“But darling … “

“Don’t.”

“Don’t what?” she laughed. “See you soon. Don’t forget … you promised.”

Missy said in a dull voice, “Rand, I’ve said it before but I’ve never meant it as much as I do right now; you’re an idiot. Kiri, you want to come home with us? It looks like things are pretty much over anyway.”

“No. I need to get home and piece out this next set of pre-orders. And I’ve got the garden that needs tending to. I’ve also got that shirt that I need to finish for Austin.”

Missy hugged me and whispered in my ear, “I mean it, you need a break from him you come to us first, you hear?”

I just shrugged and followed Rand out to the wagon; we collected Austin along the way and he chattered enough to fill the silence between us. I got into the back of the wagon before there was a question of who was sitting where and we left. The trip home seemed to last forever.

After we made it home we went on about our business the same as always. Or maybe not the same as always, the chores got finished, we went through the motions, I cooked dinner, and we cleaned up from the day. Rand and I were very careful to say nothing but that said everything. I guess we play acted well enough since Austin didn’t seem to notice and went off to bed a little earlier than usual from the excitement from the day. Now came the time I was dreading.

Rand and I just sat and said more nothing but the day caught up with me too and I must have fallen asleep in the chair. I didn’t wake up until Rand came over and said quietly, “Kiri. Kiri. Come on. Let’s go to bed. It’s been … it’s been a long day.”

I stood up only to fall down and hit my knees when it felt like someone shoved a white hot poker into my side. I shook off Rand’s arm when he went to grab me and leaned over and breathed through the pain.

“Kiri? Are you … do you need me to go get Ken?” Rand asked anxiously.

“I’m fine. Same old thing. I just moved the wrong way. It’ll go away. I shouldn’t have fallen asleep in the chair.” Then I walked to the bathroom and shut the door and got ready for bed, came out, climbed in bed and tried to go back to sleep. Amazingly enough I did. I don’t even remember Rand coming to bed.

Next day was the same. All we did was go through the motions. We got up, tended the animals, ate breakfast and I cleaned up; there was no church service so the day was supposed to be fairly quiet. I decided to continue working on my notes out in the orchard where it was quiet and I could try and get outside of the pain I was in; pain not from the scar tissue, though that was there and dull, but from everything else.

Lunch was a large salad of things that needed to be eaten out of the garden and I crumbled up some of the canned bacon. Austin plowed through his and then asked to be excused to go play with Woofer. As soon as he left I gave up pretending to eat and took my plate over to the sideboard and raked it into the slop pail then left to go back to the orchard. I was several yards from the house when I heard something smashed. I kept walking and thinking, “If he expects me to clean up after his temper tantrum he has another think coming.”

Not long after that I heard Rand tell Austin to stay near the house because he was going hunting. Two hours later I still hadn’t heard a single shot. I just thought hunting hadn’t been very good or that “hunting” had just been a story he told to Austin because he needed to get away or go visiting or something (or someone). I went inside and started dinner. It was just a potluck stew but it took all my concentration to mix it and cook it without burning it; all my brains seemed to be leaking out of my ears.

I was putting dinner on the table when Rand came in. Maybe if I had looked at him I would have had some warning of what was to come but I was putting food on Austin’s plate and didn’t look up. After dinner was over with we settled down for the evening. The days are finally getting longer which means more can be done in the evening without the lamps. I had been looking forward to it but at that point all I wanted was for the day to end so that I could slip into oblivion. I didn’t want to think anymore. I didn’t want to feel anymore. I just wanted to stop and get off the merry go round before I puked.

The daylight might have been getting longer but that didn’t mean that we had any more energy. Austin was nodding off and he and Woofer went off to bed without a squeak. I was done. As soon as Austin headed off to bed I went to change and go to bed myself. When I came out of the bedroom Rand was standing right there.

“Come up to the dormer room with me,” he said in a quiet voice.

I really didn’t feel like it but I felt even less like dealing with the ruckus of a scene so I followed him upstairs. It was the beginning of March but it still got cool at night and there wasn’t any heat up there. I shivered in my nightgown and bare feet.

“Here, sit beside me.” That I didn’t want to do either but Rand seemed determined to say something and I was pretty cold by that point.

“Look, this has gotten way out of hand. You aren’t talking to me. You aren’t … “

“Rand, just spit it out. Stop telling me what my faults are, I’m well aware of what they are. Just jump ahead to the part where you tell me what you want.”

Rand put his head in his hands and said, “That’s not what I mean. Look, I went out to hunt but you know what I did? Do you?”

I just looked at him.

He sighed. “I fielded questions from over a dozen people. How were you feeling? Had you accepted my apology? Was I sleeping on the sofa or in the dog house? Had you kicked me out all together?”

“Rand, I’m too tired for jokes. Just spit out what you … “

“You think I’m joking?! I got reamed out by just about every biddy in the Ladies’ Auxiliary. Mrs. Withrow had Uncle George drive her out special. Momma O was out driving with some of her women friends. Henderson said things must be OK because he hadn’t heard any explosions out our way and then the worst one was your blasted brother who threatened to beat the crap out of me if I didn’t fix this. No … no actually the worst was when Missy finally explained to me just how bad I had messed up.”

“Just ignore them.”

“Ignore them? Are you kidding?”

“That’s what I said.”

“Yeah. Like you could ignore all of that.”

“Rand, here’s a clue, I spent years ignoring people’s opinion of me. Years ignoring people telling me what was wrong with me. When that’s all you hear, hearing it once is enough and you just ignore the repetition. Look, I’m tired. I’m going to bed.”

“What? Wait!”

“For what Rand? You told me about what people are saying. I can’t stop them from talking; I can’t do anything at all about it. Trying to do something about it will only cause them to talk more. People always talk. Sometimes it seems like that is all people do … talk, talk, talk. Well, let ‘em. And then you ignore them. What else is there?”

I was struggling to get up off of the low mattress, my fat belly throwing my center of gravity way off. It didn’t take much of a tug for Rand to keep me down.

“Kiri, I’m sorry. I over reacted. I should have given you a chance.”

“To do what? Prove myself to you again? How many times do I have to do that Rand? I don’t have a problem with that exactly but what’s the goal here? I just want to know so I can get on with it. How many tests are there? How many times do I have to pass? How many more tests get added to the list if I fail once? Is the goal to get to a point where I’m not me anymore? I’d appreciate the chance to still be able to stand the person in the mirror; I spent too many years despising her to want to go back to that. So whoever it is you want me to be I still need to be able to tolerate her.”

When he took too long to answer I started to get up and this time I managed it with at least some grace; and he didn’t stop me. I’m not too sure I would have let him stop me at that point. I was tired. I was done. And I was hurting. I got down the stairs and went and crawled in bed. I just shut my eyes and I was out which surprised me.

But I didn’t get to sleep long. Rand jerked away hard enough to wake me up from my own sound sleep. “Dang it Woofer, what the … ? Austin? What’s wrong Buddy?”

“Rand I heard something outside.”

“You sure it wasn’t just the wind?”

“I waited for it to be just the wind. I wanted it to be just the wind. But I don’t think it is. It … it doesn’t sound like people but I don’t know what it is.”

Rand and I were both up and grabbing for our rifles then Rand slung his rifle and picked up his shotgun as well. Woofer was whining and that wasn’t like him. Rand went up to the dormer and then came running down fast and coughing.

“There’s a fire off to the NW. Still on the other side of US90 I think. I don’t know how big it is but it’s a smoky one. Austin, put Woofer on a leash and keep him inside. We can’t let him run off in the dark. Kiri …”

“Just like we talked about. BOBs for each of us, and prepare to load the wagon with what is on the list we made.”

He walked up to me and pulled me in for a hug. “We never got to finish fixing things, no matter what happens I just want you to know I … “

“Don’t Rand. Let’s just get through this.”

“This” took the rest of the night to get through. The noise that woke Austin and Woofer was animals … all of them escaping the big fire, panicked, occasionally running into things in the dark. Lucky for us the fire didn’t come near as close as we had thought, it was just that it smoked so heavily. I wound up breaking into some of the stuff that I had salvaged back at Itchetucknee to get to some paper face masks; the ones that you could wear to keep dust out of your lungs while mowing or cleaning or stuff like that. Even with wearing those masks most of the night I still taste smoke on the back of my throat.

Rand road Hatchet up to the end of the road at first light. He was up there only a moment before Hoss, Bradley, and Mitch came out of the thick smog along with four military guys. He brought them back to our place so that they could fill their canteens and wash their faces, all black except where bandanas had covered their nose and mouths. I kept busy refilling the pitcher used to fill their canteens and making corncakes they smeared with butter or sorghum. Even the military guys ate and acted very appreciative. I hope they don’t get in trouble for accepting something from a civilian. I just figured they worked to help save our community it sure as heck doesn’t bother me to feed them.

They left out after saying that it looked like a still set up in a section of planted pines exploded and caused the fire. A survivor of the explosion was found stumbling out of the smoke. The explosion itself was heard by several night patrols – one of them from the Henderson ranch, two from the military, and various neighborhood patrols – and they all converged and cooperated to do what they could. Trees were felled and dragged away and lots of shovels dug a temporary fire break. On one side a back fire was lit to keep the fire from spreading into a populated area.

We were lucky. There were only two deaths and both of them were directly attributable to the original still explosion. Lots of small injuries and some smoke inhalation but nothing major. One horse was lost when it panicked and ran into the fire instead of away from it. There was some property damage but nothing where anyone was currently living. A one lane bridge over a creek on a logging road has burnt down but it wasn’t being used too much and had a wash out on one corner that could have taken it down at any moment anyway. So, while it could have been better there is no doubt that it could have been much worse.

At lunch we were all just exhausted. Austin fell asleep on the rug in the living room with Woofer beside him to keep him warm. I put a cover over him and then went to the kitchen in search of some caffeine. I knew I wasn’t supposed to have it but I was desperate; I was practically walking into walls I was so tired. I found Rand with his head on his arm on the kitchen table. I found a quilt and draped it over his shoulders; he never even moved just started snoring. I washed my face and then went out to the porch and sat in the rocker and tried to stay awake, not all of us could sleep during the day at the same time with the animals out and raiders in the area. I set my rifle next to me and then took my notes and continued to work for about two hours. When I started to nod off I would get up and walk around the house or check on the livestock then I’d come sit back down for a while longer.

I was just coming back from refilling the water trough in the corral when I saw Rand walking towards me fast. “Have you slept?”

“”What? No, of course not. I know we need to have someone … “

He sighed, “I didn’t mean it like that Kiri. I meant you need to rest even more than I do. You shouldn’t have let me sleep.”

“It’s too close to chore time and for me to get dinner started.”

He looked like he wanted to object but instead he said, “OK, then come sit with me on the porch.”

“Rand … “

“What’s it gonna hurt to sit down? Unless it is sitting down with me?”

Now it was my turn to sigh but rather than answer I just went up to the porch with him following close behind. I tried to sit in the rocker but he swung me around and I landed in the two-seater porch swing with him sitting right beside me.

“Kiri, just how badly have I messed things up? Give me some hope that this can be fixed.”

“Rand don’t start, OK? I’m just not able to do … whatever it is you want from me with a straight head.”

“I’m sorry Kiri. I know you aren’t in any shape for this but … I just can’t keep on this way. That stuff … the stuff with SueLinda at the swap meet … I never meant it to go as far as it did. I was just hacked and angry that you wouldn’t see things my way. I wanted to make a point only you didn’t … you wouldn’t … God what a mess this has turned into.”

Suddenly I couldn’t seem to find my righteous indignation, all I knew is that I was tired of what was happening too. “Just forget about it Rand. I was showing my backside too. I just … just … I don’t know Rand. Just let it go.”

“I wish I could Kiri, I really do but something is really messed up. Look at you. I’ve never seen you like this. You’ve always reared right back at anyone, including me, that crossed the line. It’s like you are just going through the motions. Like … like you don’t care anymore.”

“What do you want from me Rand?! I said you could forget about it. I said I was at fault too. Why talk it to death? You want it to go away, that’s the only way I can figure to let it just go away.”

“I don’t want to just sweep it under the rug. I want to fix it.”

“Argh!!! Great big gobs of gopher guts! Rumplestilskin! Aunt Fanny’s fanny! Jumped up Jehosephat!!” I was grinding my teeth and all but yelling.

Rand nearly choked and said, “What are you doing?!”

“I’m trying not to swear OK. That stupid booklet says that the baby can hear things even before it is born. I don’t want the first thing my kid hears is its mother cussing a blue streak no matter if that is what I feel like doing right now.”

Rand raked his fingers through his hair and then he sighed. “I’m going to be bald as a cue ball before I’m thirty. I’m sitting here trying to fix things and you’re … you’re … Argh!”

“Fix what? There is no fixing the fact that I’m never going to be able to be who you want me to be. Get it through your head already. I’ll try but I’ll never be Julia or your mother or whoever it is you are trying to mold me into. You’ll either have to accept what I can do and let that be enough or tell me up front that it isn’t going to be good enough and let’s just get all of this over with. You know it isn’t exactly easy changing myself to be … “

“I don’t want you to change. I never asked you to change. I want you to be you.”

“Bull. Total bull. If you didn’t have a problem with me being me then you would have accepted that I was going to try and stay out of trouble at the swap meet. You would have trusted that I would follow through on my promise. But you don’t and you didn’t. It hurt but I accepted it and I’m not letting it hurt me anymore. You want … I don’t know what to call what you want but I’ll try and be that. I’m tired of fighting too you know. But I keep my promises and no few of them I made when we got married. I promised to honor and obey and stick it out through good times and bad. I’ll do what it takes to keep my promises even if you … if no one … believes I’m capable of it. Because my promises mean something to me, that’s why I don’t make many of them and those I do make I don’t make lightly. I may only be seventeen and an orphan with no family but I was raised right, I was raised that your honor and your word mean more than anything else you might own and that keeping your word is what determines what kind of person you are.”

“I never said … “

“Don’t even Rand … just don’t even. Actions speak louder than words. Your actions have been screaming at me for a long while now, I just didn’t want to hear what they were saying.”

Rand was getting angry again too but we both turned when Austin came around the house and asked, “Is everything OK?”

I felt bad. I told the little guy that Rand and I were going to make things better for him; that he could feel safe here. He’s been through so much and I don’t want him to worry. “Yeah. Don’t worry about it. I’m just tired and cranky. I need to get up and go fix dinner so why don’t you help Rand get the animals taken care of. OK?”

“Sure Kiri! I’m not tired at all!” I was glad someone’s world was still upright.

Dinner and evening chores went off without a hitch and I was finally able to find my quiet space inside myself. I wrapped myself up in it and could at least pretend like I was calm, cool, and collected. It also made it easier not to feel much of what I had been feeling out on the porch.

Despite Austin having said he wasn’t tired he nearly fell asleep in the warm milk that I made for him. I checked after he went to go get ready for bed to find he’d fallen across the mattress still dressed in everything but his boots and belt. Woofer was curled up beside him.

I walked into the living room and said, “Austin is already out. Didn’t even make it into his PJs.”

“Let him sleep.”

“OK, I’m going to …”

“The dormer room with me. We aren’t finished talking.”

I was outraged … or as outraged as my fatigue would let me get. “You’ve got to be kidding me! Rand I’m tired. I’m not in a real good place to talk anymore. I need to go to bed.”

“We both do but not until we work this out.”

“I already told you … “

“I know what you already told me and I didn’t like it.”

“Well that’s just too bad. I’m tired and I’m … going … to … bed.”

Well, that didn’t work. He hefted me up and said, “Don’t fight me. I don’t want to drop you or fall down the stairs.”

“Are you crazy?! Put me down before you hurt your back. I’m the size of an elephant!”

“No you’re not. And don’t think you are going to be able to get away from me either. I’ll flaming tie you down if I have to and hang the consequences. We are talking this out and I mean now!”

I was so tired I nearly cried in frustration but I wasn’t going to let him see that. When he finally put me down I sat in the chair. Or I should I say tried to sit in the chair. My backside had no sooner hit the seat cushion that he picked me up and sat me on the bed and then sat down beside me, put his leg over mine and grabbed my hand. “Don’t run away Kiri.”

“I’m not running away Rand. Have I left the house? Have I gone anywhere? I’m right here despite the fact that I want to be down in the bedroom sleeping.”

“Actually yeah. Yeah you have run away. Your body might be here in body but you aren’t, not really.”

“God Rand … don’t go all philosophical on me. Just spit it out so I can agree to whatever it is you want and then go to bed.”

“See? That’s what I mean. You automatically say that you’ll agree to what I say, no questions asked, just to pacify me. You don’t even want to discuss this.”

“Frankly Rand I don’t. I’m trying to keep the peace. I promised no more scenes, no more arguments. I won’t be an embarrassment. I’m tired of worrying about it. I’m tired of having it thrown in my face that …”

“Kiri stop. Stop. Please just stop.”

“Will you make up your mind?! First you pester the heck out of me to talk and now when I’m talking and telling you that I’m capitulating you want me to shut up. What is it you want?!”

“I want you back!”

“No you don’t. You don’t trust who I was. I was an embarrassment every time we went out in public.”

“I never said that!”

“You didn’t have to. Constantly dogging me. Constantly checking up on me. Making sure I hadn’t started any fights. Making sure I wasn’t acting like a fool. And no … you never said it like that but that’s what it amounts to. I didn’t want to see it though it’s something I’ve been afraid of from the very beginning. It just finally came out at the swap meet. You don’t trust me to act like I ought to. Now it is time for me to deal with it. I don’t like being an embarrassment and a problem for you so I’m going to change. Like I told you, I doubt I’ll ever measure up to … up to …“ I was seeing spots … why was I seeing spots? Then I felt something wet on my upper lip and when I wiped at it I came away with a smear of red. I kept looking at it trying to put two and two together only I’d forgotten how to do basic math.

The next thing I remember hearing is, “If her blood pressure is back to normal then why is she still unconscious and so pale? And I still don’t understand what the bloody nose was about.”

“Pregnant women’s blood volume increases right along with their pregnancy. Hormones increase as well causing changes within the body. Bloody noses are common for many pregnant women. And with the fluctuation in blood pressure a bloody nose is to be expected. However, that is something that needs to be watched to make sure it isn’t a precursor to something more serious. As for the rest of it, you said she kept complaining of being tired and wasn’t acting like herself. I know you two had a disagreement and that could be responsible for … “

“Are you saying that I caused this?”

“No. I am saying however that stress and fatigue are a bad combination, especially for Kiri. She has a … unique way of dealing with her stress. We both know she is action oriented, she also tends to internalize a lot rather than letting people see what she is really thinking. If she is trying to change how she responds to certain stimuli then perhaps it is causing her more stress rather than less. Frankly Rand there aren’t too many women I know that would not have been able to act as unaffected by the displays going on Saturday as she did. And we both know she had to have been dying to … to … God only knows what. Everyone kept expecting a major blow up and thought you were crazy … or cruel … to be egging her on like that. What were you thinking? Especially in her condition.”

“Yeah, I know I messed up. But it was more than that she’s just … shut me out. She hasn’t acted like herself at all. She won’t …”

“Rand, let me tell you something that few people know. You remember my wife?”

“Yeah.”

“You remember how calm and patient she always was?”

“Yeah, she was real soft spoken and …”

“It was all a lie.”

“Huh? I mean what?”

“Tessa was …” and he laughed sadly. “She chose to act like that because that is what she thought I needed for my ministry. She didn’t want to embarrass me. But the truth? When our doors were closed and she could be sure that no one was listening she used to say what she really felt about some people and I mean tell it in graphic detail and technicolor. She had very little tolerance for some of the things that I saw yet she didn’t express that outside of our house because she didn’t want to cause problems. She tried to be supportive of my calling but she had a hard time fitting into the stereotypical role of minister’s wife. And when Kenny got old enough to start repeating things he heard at home she stopped letting herself go except late at night when our bedroom door closed. And after a while not even then.”

“I … I don’t know what to say.”

“There isn’t anything that can be said. I let Tessa make that choice even though I knew it was a bad one because it was easier on me, it was more comfortable. But the truth was that it was taking a toll on Tessa, on me, and on our marriage. It got to be that Tessa didn’t feel like she could be herself about anything and we eventually stopped talking to each other about anything meaningful. Our marriage was floundering and I was at a loss as to what to do about it … I mean I knew, but I was too afraid of what people would say if she really let loose. I felt it was all or nothing and Tessa picked up on that. And because she did still love me, despite our problems, she tried to be what she thought I needed no matter how badly it hurt her. Then the flu came and … and I’ll never get the chance to fix things. I’ll have to go to my grave knowing that I missed out on … on something that could have been better, deeper, more meaningful.”

“I’m not asking Kiri to change!”

“If what you are saying is what is happening then she’s gotten the idea from some place. Maybe no one said it outright but … “

I’d had enough, even if I did feel like crud and wanted to go back to sleep. “I swear you people are too nosy to be believed. I didn’t ask for your help. I didn’t ask for anyone to take up a cause on my behalf. Just … “

Ken came over and started checking my pulse. I wanted to rip my arm out of his grip but I didn’t seem to have the energy. “Hmmm. Better but I want you to stay in bed the rest of the day, sleeping preferably. And no more pushing your body to the limits. You’re growing a baby and your body needs everything it can get for a while longer yet. No skimping on meals either. Eat smaller meals more often if you are having trouble eating a full meal three times a day. Eat the high iron foods we’ve discussed before but keep your diet balanced as well; not too much sugar, watch the fats and to process all the protein you are eating I want you to drink as much water as you can stand and then a little more on top of that.”

“Oh, go away,” I can remember groaning. “Just once it would be nice if you came by and didn’t leave me with a list of do’s and don’ts a yard long.”

“Sorry,” he said in a voice that said even louder that he really wasn’t as he and Rand left the room.

I rolled on my side and then blinked them all the way open when I saw two sets of eyes peering over the mattress edge. Austin and Woofer both looked worried. “I’m fine. If you want I’ll fix pancakes for breakfast in just a minute.”

“It’s way passed breakfast. It’s almost dinner.”

“What?! “ I said as I tried to sit up. That’s when Rand walked back in.

“Ken’s gone and … Whoa! No getting up until tomorrow. Remember?”

Austin said anxiously, “We didn’t wake her up Rand, honest! She just opened her eyes and … “

“I know Buddy. Look, there’s some dinner on the table. Why don’t you take Woofer and grab something to eat. We’ll pop some popcorn in a little while.”

The boy and dog both scrambled to the kitchen leaving Rand and I looking at each other. I sighed and rolled over, still tired.

Rand sat on the bed. “I never wanted you to change Kiri. I just … I just want to keep you - you and the baby - safe. That’s my job.”

“I don’t want to be anyone’s job Rand.”

“I know, I’m not saying this right. Look, maybe I didn’t handle it very well but you took it the wrong way too. I don’t want you to change. I want you to be careful. I didn’t mean to make you feel like I didn’t trust you. I do trust you, it’s everybody else I don’t trust.”

I sighed and said, “Fine.”

“No, it’s not fine. Things really got messed up this time. Too many bad things are happening too often and too fast. They are starting to bleed into how we … I don’t know … work together, work things out, whatever you want to call it.”

“Just let it go Rand. We’re both just tired. And now look at this. I’m stuck in this stupid bed with so much to do. I messed up again.”

“No. Don’t think that. Ken says it is stress related on top of exhaustion. He’s seen some other women doing this too. And he says that you’re young so that only complicates things.”

“What does that have to do with anything for Pete’s sake? There were plenty of pregnant girls in highschool and none of them got laid up on bed rest like this.”

“Really? Highschools down in Tampa must have been … never mind … Ken says that technically you’re still … you’re still growing. Your body is still a kid somewhat and … “

“Bull snot … I’ve been this same height since I was twelve. And I’m about as blossomed out as I’m going to get.”

“Hey, if you think it makes me feel too good for Ken to tell me you’re still basically a growing kid it doesn’t. But I get what he means. Bottom line is you need … I need to help you get … more rest. You can’t keep going the way you’ve been going. You have to stay in the best shape you can from here on out because you are going to need it as the baby gets bigger and you get closer to … to … going into labor and stuff. Most of all though you need me to … “

“Rand, it’s fine just let me … “

“No. It’s not fine. I didn’t mean to make you feel like I didn’t trust you. I have to get you to understand that.”

“You said that all ready. Just let it …”

“I’m not going to just let it go. I need to know Kiri. When did it start going bad? When did you start feeling that you embarrassed me and that I didn’t trust you?”

“Why do you have to be so pig headed about this?!”

“I could say that’s the pot calling the kettle black but I won’t. Listen real careful to what I’m saying. The reason why I won’t let this go is because it means too much to me … you mean too much to me.”

And with that, doggone it, the flood gates opened. They weren’t big noisy tears but they were tears I couldn’t stop and it would have made me mad if I’d had the energy.

“Aw Babe. OK, I won’t bother you about this anymore tonight but this isn’t over. We are going to get this taken care of.”

I think I slept for a little while again. I woke up and everything was real quiet. I looked over to see Rand with the headphones on listening to the radio. He jumped a little bit when he looked over and saw me awake and then two other heads popped up over the end of the bed. The inseparable duo were camped out at Rand’s feet … literally camped out with a sleeping bag, flashlight, the whole nine yards.

“I said they could sleep in here tonight,” Rand said as he raised his eyebrows asking me silently if it was OK.

“So long as they don’t expect me to haul my fat belly to sleep down there too. And no singing Kumbayah or The Bear Went Over the Mountain. And the latrines are thata way. Got it?”

That got a laugh from Austin and the two heads disappeared again. “Anything on the radio?” I asked.

“Same old mess only more of it. You want to listen?”

“Not really. Not tonight. I think … I think I’m just want to write for a while.”

Rand brought over my traveling desk and Austin brought the wind up lamp while I sat up and tried to arrange the pillows. Everyone eventually went back to what they were doing and I’ve been writing ever since. Austin went to sleep fairly quickly and Rand is asleep in the chair with the headphones still on. And there isn’t much ink left in the bottom of the bottle so it looks like I’m going to have to give it up too.

I know things happen so that we can learn things and be better people but I have to say that the last few days are going on my list of days that I would never want to live over, not even in my dreams.